The past couple of months have been hard ones. I've had quite a few visitors from back home including my mom who I've missed the most since I've been out here. Watching her leave to go back to CT was so difficult and since then I keep thinking about home. I miss the fall and the friends and my family. I know if I were to go back, I would just want to leave again. There are so many reasons I can think of not to leave CO: having to find a new job, leaving school that I just started, losing my dog Sierra, and especially losing Rick who I know would never move back to CT.
What makes it even harder to be away from home is that I hate my job and the only good thing about it and the main reason I stay is the good pay, good benefits, and the flexibility I have here. Other than the perks, I hate what I do and dread getting up every morning for work. I'm cranky all the time. Rick is in the same boat - he hates his job and the only reason he keeps it is because he needs the income. So he too is cranky all the time. I feel like we don't enjoy one another's company since we both have such bad attitudes about everything.
I just keep thinking about the future and if this is how its always going to be. I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life, but I felt the same way back home as well. What if we get married, have kids, and stay cranky. We both won't be happy and we won't be close to family so our children won't have a strong connection to them. I know I may be jumping the gun here, but its something I think about often...I'm kind of at a loss right now and feel lonely and confused.
I love Colorado and I love Rick, but I have doubts. Is this normal? I've been asking myself that lately.
I'm hoping that it is just a tad of homesickness and that it will soon pass after the holidays.